


The Combustion of Love

by HarbingerofWhimsy (WhimsicalCivet)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Bad Use Of Metaphors, Challenge Response, Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hide the children!, Humor, Incinerating panties!, Parody, Pet Names, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Spontaneous orgasms!, impossible biology, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 07:46:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6109915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhimsicalCivet/pseuds/HarbingerofWhimsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was only a matter of time before they gave in to their urges...</p><p>A parody in which Trevelyan and Cullen come together in a fiery combustion of love, and there are many metaphors for Cullen's not-so-small, smallest Templar. </p><p>And I use all of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Combustion of Love

**Author's Note:**

> I was given a challenge a ways back to craft a truly bizarre smut fic using every crazy cliche and impossibility I could manage. Finally posting it here.
> 
> I took 'smut parody' seriously. I'M NOT KIDDING. MADNESS LIES WITHIN.

Many bawled for her attention, but Excelindyax Trevelyan _always_ refused, for her eyes were only for him: the golden Adonis she loved from afar, his hair matched in its scintillation only by her own. Cullen knew that if he could only _tell_ her, she would be his forever, their love _greater_ than that between sheep and shepherd.  
  
“Excelindyax!” he cried, her name fluttering from his tongue like _pools_ of water from the mountains when snowy peaks _melt_ in a _gushing_ waterfall of love.  
  
She _whirled_ on her feet, her harem _scattering_ like flocks of waxen birds. Her eyes broiled, a cerulean _blaze_ that struck his soul and _swooned_ him off his sturdy feet. He could see in her eyes her longing for him: the coming together of _two_ magnetic souls in a fiery **combustion** of lust and love and stickiness.  
  
“My love!” he cried, dancing to her. “I no longer care what _they_ may think! I love you as the swan adores the _lake_!”  
  
Argent tears sprang in her phosphorescent eyes, _careening_ down her resplendent cheeks. “And I love you as the king his _cheese_! Please, my erotic stallion! _Take me_!”  
  
They blazed a sensuous trail from the hall to her room, incinerating the panties of many others along the way, so _overwhelming_ was the passion radiating from them. There was no more _perfect_ a place in all of Skyhold to consummate their love than her gargantuan bed and its titanic oaken frame: the only furniture that could withstand the _devastating hurricane of carnality that was about to descend_.  
  
The door shattered as he _kicked_ it open with a brawny heel. He grasped her tight, his Rod of Love already stirring beneath his rugged trousers. In the sun, Cullen’s tawny mane _scattered_ rays about, crystal drops _glistening_ along his sweaty lips. He kissed her with _dripping_ passion, luxuriating in her zest while he gobbled her lips. Tears of _wonder_ spilled down his chiseled jaw. He yanked her face back with _soft, hard_ hands to stare into her glowing orbs of _simmering_ indigo. “My cherubic angel!” he whispered. “If I do not have you I will surely throw myself from your balcony!”  
  
“No!” she cried. Her diamond nipples _crushed_ him through her shirt, her _weeping_ Cavern of Aphrodite drowning under the tsunamic, moist _weight_ of her desire. “I too have always loved you! I need you, my flaxen sex bear! I would follow you into the yowling void if you left me! Please do not.”  
  
“Then have me here!” he cried, _flinging_ her onto the bed. His powerful words were enough to cause an orgasm that left her a _puddle_ and _ten_ Magisters in Tevinter _blind_ with _ecstasy_.  
  
“That is not the first orgasm you will have this night!” he cried. “For your love has awakened my body from its lyrium sleep!” His trousers split apart at the seams as his _mammoth_ purple Spear of Cupid shot upwards, for his ardor could not be contained by the _finest_ tailors. In the distance, an _entire city of Orlesians_ climaxed.  
  
“Please!” she cried. “Place your _Greatest Weapon_ inside my _dewy sheath_ and fill me with your _sword oil_!”  
  
“My silky pheasant, I will do as you ask!” he cried as he fell upon her. He began to pound her into the mattress and she screamed as she _came again and again_ , her clothes _exploding_ away, his oscillation making her Grotto of Femininity _wail_.  
  
“Please, my honeyed tiger! Let your Lust Water spill upon me!”  
  
Helpless against her delicate mewls, his Juice of Completion _roared_ over her glittering body. Before he was done he was adamantine again, for the _sight_ of her covered in his Elixir of Eros was enough to make his feelings _reignite_ , his _hulking_ meat sword careening upwards in a _salute of love_.  
  
But what’s this? “Darling! Why are you crying? I have hurt you!”  
  
“No, Cullen, it is not it. It is that I am simply so happy, for we are finally here in this room together! I cannot contain my ecstasy and joy! I am also scared, for this is all new to me as I am but a new foal to the art of love! And how do I know that we will always stay together?”  
  
He wept _powerful_ , manly tears at her _eloquence_.  
  
“Come my simpering dove!” Cullen cried, kissing her upon the eyes with _peachy_ lips made of _skin-colored_ velvet. “I will show you!’  
  
He lifted her posterior and _rammed_ mightily into her. So _violent_ were her previous orgasms that the rampart guarding her womanly lagoon, _sopping_ like the ocean, _disintegrated_ before him.  
  
“My sensuous elk!” she cried, _flapping_ beneath him. “Extinguish my flames with your gushing sex spray!”  
  
“Oh Excelindyax,” he moaned, pistoning his _girthy_ manhood inside her soft Cove of Pleasure so hard the bed _cracked_ like sexy _thunder_. “My twinkling doe! I am coming for you!”  
  
“I am coming again! I have never bloomed so many times! It is all for you my lascivious eagle!”  
  
“Excelindyax! You will overflow with me!”  
  
She _yodeled_ as she came, her _rippling_ Walls of Mystery clenching like a _fluffy_ _gauntlet_ around his _lustful flesh-staff_ as he besprinkled her womb. He bugled her name and _whispered_ to her terms of endearments the likes of which _will probably never be heard be again_.  
  
He swept her atop him, his muscles _vibrating_ in the sterling molten moonlight, for they had pleasured each other for an _entire_ day and night. “Have I harmed you my screeching bluejay?”  
  
“No, Cullen, my sultry lion! Better!” She flailed her _statuesque_ hand, free of the mark, healed by the templar sex-god’s touch upon her _radiant_ flesh. “Cullen!” she cried. “Your love has cured me!”  
  
“No!” he whispered. “Our love has helped you control it! You have removed the mark’s pain yourself.”  
  
“Would you marry me, my delicious love weasel? I would close a rift upon the world and let it burn amongst a thousand rotting graveyards for you!”  
  
“My bawdy chipmunk, nothing could please me as you!”

**Author's Note:**

> The wet, muddy parchment on which this was written is strangely burning, as if the writer's frankly overenthusiastic, sweaty hands still hold it.
> 
> The Randy Dowager welcomes the coming of Summer, and is somewhat ashamed to admit we were low on submissions this season and found this in a barn as it was being eaten by a goat. And so we present The Combustion of Love, in which the Commander and the Inquisitor come together in a fiery explosion that leaves all the better. 
> 
> The Randy Dowager: Exhibitions for the noble of thought, but spry of step.
> 
> The Lady herself said: "What in Thedas is this!? No! No scarves fluttered, no rating! I quit!" -RD


End file.
